In the soup

DO you remember the guy who was jailed after attacking a policeman with a frozen kangaroo tail? It was, indeed, a chilling tale...but was the evidence cooked up?

Slowly does it.

I'M in bad shape. Last week I went jogging, and the police picked me up for loitering!

The fruit of one's labour

Life should be a bowl of cherries, but this government just gives me the pips!

Ready, Get set, Go!

WE don't have to win the human race...just save it!

Toast to President George W. Bush

I can still see President George W. Bush in a good light...if I drink enough of it!

Non-retirement

Shane Warne's decision to play on raises the question as to which end would be best for him run up and have his afternoon nap.

Up yours

A Government that gives the people double digit unemployment can expect a single digit response.

Spaced out

For the sake of innocent young boys, Michael Jackson should be encouraged to perform his "Moon Dance" just one more time - and stay there!

Battle lines

Mark Latham's Diaries are written in what I would describe as the classic Nelson cum Wellington style - one-eyed and put in the boot!

Elite company

Too many politicians have minds like Einstein's - completely dead!

Genuine apathy

Apathy is a big problem in Australia, but no one cares.

Pedal power

Last week my wife bought an exercise bike for a ridiculous figure - me!

Washed up

When I was a single man, I washed , darned and even ironed them myself - but that's premarital sox for you!

Doggone footy

Football is a violent sport. At a recent game I saw two guys dislocate their shoulders - that'll teach 'em to jump the hot dog queue!

Bob's your auntie

Transsexual nightclub: a place where a bloke can go to eat, drink and be Mary

Twang!

Life is brief and, before you know it, your elastic's gone!

Spirit of Christmas

The spirit of Christmas is in the hands of the giver which, if you're not careful, can put you in the hands of the receiver.